Copyright June 2001
I hide in the darkness.
I hide my fear. My weakness. My worry.
In the darkness I am no longer the captain. No longer the man who makes the life or death decisions.
In the darkness I shed that persona. Strip it off with my uniform.
In the darkness I'm naked. Human. Mortal.
In the darkness I have found my heart, my soul, my life.
In the darkness I can lay down on my bed and fall into the arms of love.
Into the arms of two men.
Spock and Bones.
My lovers are asleep, tangled in the linens. Arms and legs so entwined, it's hard for me to tell where one man starts and the other ends.
This week was a test of my heart, of their hearts.
An alien invaded my ship, took possession of my beloved's brain, leaving just the shell of his body behind. You can't imagine the fear that crawled over my skin when we found Spock. Found what was left of him.
I read the agony in Bones' eyes as he fought to keep Spock alive, fought to maintain the man's vital functions. I offered my strength, my confidence in his abilities. A simple touch to his hand was enough to convey my support and understanding.
Refusing to abandon what is mine, I ordered an extensive search of planets, put my ship, my crew into jeopardy for one man.
For Spock. For my mate.
Bones, of course, performed a miracle. He created a device that would command and direct Spock's body, making it possible to bring him with us to the planet's surface.
I remember the hours before we transported down. I sat at Spock's side, unable to sleep, unable to rest without both my lovers draped across my naked form.
I couldn't leave Spock alone. I know it was only his body, but I still had to be there. Holding his hand, offering my touch, my love.
Bones was there with me, keeping a loving vigil over the man he had given his heart to. I'm still amazed that these two find such peace and joy in each other's arms. Knowing the way they verbally torture each other, I just have to smile each time I see them embrace or kiss.
It took me a while to see behind the sharp barbs, the tongue-in-cheek quips. Took a discerning eye to catch the twinkle in Bones' blue gaze or the slight flush to Spock's green-skinned cheeks. And it took a Tholian web to ensnare all three of us.
A rumbled sigh escapes Spock's lips as he turns over and searches the bed for my warmth. I slide back down onto the mattress, slipping into the arms that even in sleep reach for me.
I can't help but touch his face, my hands skimming lightly over his head. A simple effort to make contact with his awesome mind. The thought of losing that intelligence is enough to stagger the beat of my heart.
I smile suddenly. My fingers encounter another hand. Bones. He also feels the need to touch, to maintain contact with our lover.
I trace a finger over Bones' hand. The hand that with its mate, united Spock's brain and body.
I can't explain the state of my feelings when Bones made the decision to sacrifice his life for Spock. We had no idea if he would survive the Teacher, maintain his sanity after the transfer of alien knowledge.
But none of that mattered. The only thing Bones was sure of was that he had to save Spock., at any costs.
And save him he did. Of course, Bones received a little help from Spock. A fact the Vulcan will be more than happy to use in his never-ending tease of the man.
The moment the three of us were alone in my ready room, all levity fell by the way side. Spock, the one who rarely touches, stood in front of Bones and placed his hand over the surgeon's heart. There were no words exchanged; there was no need. The intent was there in his eyes.
I stood next to the two men, fighting the rush of jealousy. My Vulcan lover looked at me and lifted that all-knowing eyebrow. Before I could take another breath, my hand was gathered and embraced by two others in a unity of unspoken love.
Spock's hand briefly slides over my groin, warming my sensitive flesh. I stretch, pushing into his caress. I love his touch, the heat that pours off his skin.
I'm not sure why but both Bones and I found ourselves outside Spock's quarters this night. The need to be with our lover overwhelming us.
He met us at the door, naked, his eyes welcoming our presence. We slid effortlessly into his arms, our fear taking shelter in his love. Our mouths sought out each other, once more searing the familiar taste of passion into our memories.
Tonight our lovemaking was frenzied, each one of us frantic to reconnect our souls. Seed spilled deep as our bodies embraced one another. It was a night when unspoken emotions took flight in the simplest of touches.
My two lovers continue to sleep, but not me. I can't close my eyes, afraid they will disappear and I will once again be alone, without love.
Therefore I sit.
In the darkness.