Slivers of Me

By Juli  

February 2003

Iím positioned, as I always am, with my back to the door.  I donít need Emmaís abilities to know that heíll come tonight. That was written all over his face earlier in the evening- for anyone who knew how to look, that is.  Actually, Iím always surprised that no one has picked up on it yet.  Then again, maybe I shouldnít be.  The others havenít been nearly as well-trained as I have. 

 Sure enough, at that moment, light spills into my room as my bedroom door carefully opens.  The meager illumination disappears as the door is just as quietly shut, but his movements are traceable by other means.  I hear the whispering sounds as he deliberately removes his clothing piece by piece.  When the rustling stops, the mattress dips and I am no longer alone in my bed.

 ďJesse,Ē he murmurs in his midnight voice.  Even now, when so much else has become simply mundane, my name uttered in that particular tone still has the power to make me shiver.

 He settles his warm body behind mine, his lips unerringly fastening on the back of my neck even as his hands blaze a trail from my shoulders down to my hips.  Their journey is unimpeded. On these nights, I know better than to come to bed in anything but my own skin.

 His hands always feel larger in the dark and I gasp as they move to firmly knead my ass.  Weíre going to skip the preliminaries, then, and go straight to the main event.  I canít say that I regret it.

 When Iíd first arrived at Sanctuary, I was in that awkward stage of late adolescence.  No longer a boy but not quite a man, Iíd been embarrassingly eager to learn whatever Adam Kane deigned to teach me.  In the computer roomÖ in the training roomÖ and in the bedroom.

 Maybe, most especially in the bedroom.

 The first time heíd crept into my bed late at night, I didnít know what to think.  After some whispered encouragements and a few heated caresses, however, I didnít care about thinking at all.  In fact, within minutes, I was writhing beneath him, eager to enjoy the next sensation he chose to gift me with.  I lost my virginís hesitance in pretty short order, which was a good thing because things progressed from there and I lost my virginity pretty quickly too.  

Weíve never made love in the light Ė Iíve never seen the expression in his eyes as he takes me.  I hadnít needed to; even an inexperienced kid like I was then could feel the worship in Adamís hands as heíd stroked me.  And when heíd penetrated me for the first time, it was Adam who cried Ė his hot tears bathing my skin as he chanted my name repeatedly in rhythm with his thrustsÖ.

 A soft chuckle brings me back to the present. By this time, Adamís fingers had traveled to the cleft between my cheeks and heíd discovered that Iíd prepared myself for him.

 ďThatís my boy,Ē Adam whispers in my ear, voice hoarse with what sounds like need.  ďI know I can always count on your enthusiasm, Jesse.Ē

 I feel the blunt head of his cock line up with my opening and then a slow steady burn as he pushes himself inside.  Itís no longer necessary for him to have to coax my body into accepting his intrusion.  No stops and starts as he waits for me to adjust.  No petting to gentle my near-hyperventilization.  And, certainly, no half-sobbed words of encouragement.

 No, none of that.  Just a satisfied grunt as his cock bottoms out and he becomes fully sheathed.  He rests his fevered forehead against the sweet spot between my shoulder blades and I know weíre about ready.  There was a time when he would have kissed my skin with a loving benediction.  Thatís no longer necessary either.  Instead, he lifts his head as he nips sharply at the back of my neck.  His arms snake around my waist, resting on my stomach possessively and I cover his hands with my own.  Positioned on my side, I donít have a lot of ways to brace myself and something tells me Iím going to need it.

 As though Iíve given him a signal, Adam shifts his hips back, nearly pulling his cock all the way out of me.  At the last moment, his direction changes and, plunging back in, he rocks my body with the force of his thrust.  This time, we both grunt.  By the time heís repeated the motion half a dozen times, Adam is breathing hard. That doesnít keep him from continuing to worry at my neck and shoulders with his teeth, though, and I make a mental note to wear high-collared shirts for a couple of days.  The others might be blissfully ignorant of my occasional nighttime activities with our leader, but only because, subconsciously, they probably want to be.  If I showed up with a few love bits and a hickey or two, even the most deliberately blind of the lot might finally put two and two together.  Far be it from me to shatter their illusions.

 ďSo tight.  God, youíre so tight,Ē Adam pants.  His arms are unyielding around my waist and itís becoming hard to breathe but I just hold on as he bangs away.  From the tension in the body behind me, I know that things are about to change.

 As it turns out, Iím right. Adam abruptly pulls out of me and I hiss because he does it too quickly.  He buries his face into my sweaty hair, almost pleading with me.  ďNeed more, Jesse.Ē

 I nod and obligingly turn over onto my stomach.  Heís on me almost immediately, wrapping his suddenly gigantic hands around my hips and guiding me to kneel on all fours.  Iím barely in position before he plunges back in, making an animal-like noise as he mounts me roughly.

 ďYes, thatís it, thatís it,Ē he groans hoarsely, as his balls make a fleshy slapping sound against my body.  ďDeep, thatís what I need.Ē

 And deep, he certainly is.  Iím going to feel this in the morning, maybe even the next several mornings.  For now, though, I let him ride me, my body absorbing the increasing force of his thrusts.  For a moment, I consider phasing, wondering idly how far his momentum would throw him if I were no longer there for him to hump against.

 Before I can decide if he would fly forward and hit the bedís headboard or if he would just collapse, Adam moves again.  This time, heís inching up and using his thighs to spread my legs even wider.  This gives him just enough leverage to penetrate a centimeter or two deeper and he growls in satisfaction. 

 ďHarder,Ē he demands as he slaps my ass sharply.  ďHarder.Ē

 I know whatís likely to come next and I move to head it off.  Iím not up to being on my back tonight.  Iíve managed not look Adam in the face during this entire encounter and Iím not about to start now.  Besides, even with our previous change in position, Adam hadnít noticed that my cock was still perfectly flaccid.  Iím not sure how heíd react if he knewÖ but neither am I sure how Iíd react if he didnít care.  All in all, I just want to get this over with and avoid the whole thing.

 Moaning with feigned pleasure, I drop my upper body to the mattress and pillow my head on my arms.  This causes my ass to be canted even higher in the air and, as an added incentive, I deliberately clench my inner muscles tight.  Adam cries out and shifts his grip from my hips to my waist, the sweat from our coupling making it easy for his hands to move against my skin.  His next few thrusts are almost savage in their intensity, all but lifting my doubled-over body from the bed.


 Adam thrusts his deepest yet and suddenly stills, spilling himself inside my body.  I doubt heís noticed that heís called out Brennanís name and not mine.  I canít find it within me to begrudge him that lapse.  After all, Iíve called out Brennanís name as Iíve orgasmed a time or two myself.

 Adamís body finally finishes pulsing within me and he collapses, a sweaty human blanket that covers me heavily.  His hips are still instinctively making small thrusting motions, but that slowly stops as he comes down from his pinnacle of pleasure.  As his breathing calms, he rubs his body against mine, marking me with his sweat.  Itís a crude territorial gesture and I wonder if heís picked up some feral habits from Shalimar.  I donít ask, though, because I truly donít want to know.

 I feel a wetness between my legs and I realize that heís come so much that my rectum canít hold it all.  Rather than being disgusted, Iím relieved.  His excess conceals the fact that I havenít been aroused.  As usual, his fingers come down to where weíre still joined.  He rears back but, before withdrawing his spent penis from me, he dips into the sticky fluid and, using it as ink, paints his initials on my back.

 That chore completed, Adam withdraws his cock and settles again on top of me.  As our breathing quiets and our bodies cool, he murmurs indistinct words as he strokes my flanks.  I think I hear Ďgoodí and Ďboyí and Ďmine,í but for all I know, Adam could actually be reciting the molecular structure of some new chemical heís invented.  I donít really care; Iím afraid that heíll fall asleep, something that hasnít happened in a long time.  Finally, to my relief, he moves.

 There is a rustling noise, this time as he gets dressed.  Instead of seeing the light that will herald his departure, however, I feel his presence looming over me.  I snuggle my face into the pillow.  Even though itís too dark in the room for him to see me well, Iím hoping heíll think that Iím asleep.  In the end, though, it doesnít work.

 I feel his long fingers trace the shape of my spine, all the way to the curve of my well-used buttocks.  They dip into the cleft again and I canít help flinching.  Yeah, Iím gonna be sore in the morning.

 From my wince and the heat that must be radiating from my well-stretched opening, he probably knows it too.  ďWe got a little rough tonight,Ē he whispers.  ďIím sorry.Ē  To my surprise, he bends down and kisses the back of my neck.  My eyes begin to sting and I canít for the life me of figure out why.

 ďYou always give me exactly what I need,Ē Adam continues, the moist breath of his soft voice brushing against my ear.  His hands are rubbing ever-so-gentle circles on my ass. ďYou have no idea how much I value that.Ē

 He pulls the sheet up over me, a tenderness I havenít seen from him in longer than I can remember.  With a final pat to my shoulder, he walks away.  The much-anticipated light finally indicates heís leaving and my quiet sigh of relief is swallowed up by the muffled sound of the door closing.

 I stay still for a few moments.  When itís obvious that heís not coming back, not that he ever has, I sigh explosively.  Turning over, I curl into a ball.  I want to get up and take a shower but his semen is still seeping out of me.  As anxious as I am to clean up, I know itís better to let gravity take care of some of it for me.  Adam would be proud of the patience Iím exhibiting, not that thereís a ratís chance in hell that heíll ever find out.

 To pass the time as I wait, I contemplate the events that just transpired.  It seems to me that I spent much of my time with Adam thinking about previous encounters.  When, I wonder, did Adam and I stop making love during the sheltering hours of the night and instead start fucking in the sullied camouflage of the dark?  Mentally, I kick myself even as I ask the question.  Thereís no answer and I know it.  I could pull apart and analyze every caress and every lust-filled moan and I still wouldnít find a single, causal event to show me what had changed and when.

 Having my fill of waiting, I reach over and turn on the light.  Blinking at its harshness, I get up and methodically start stripping the bed.  Iíd rather be in the shower right now but know from experience that itís better to change the sheets before rather than after.  After, Iíd be too sleepy and fixing the bed is something that simply must be done.

 I take a moment to appreciate the pristine whiteness of the fresh linens.  They make a crisp snapping noise as I shake them open, the aroma of the fabric softener that had been used when they were washed tickling my nose.  There was a time when I would have resisted changing the sheets after Adam had spent time in them, at least until his scent no longer lingered.

 I grimace when I realize that Iím back to cataloging changes again.  It isnít that the metamorphosis of my relationship with Adam Ė if thatís what you can call it - occurred overnight, only my perception of it.  Or, and this scares the piss out of me, perhaps my coupling with Adam has always been soulless and I simply never knew it before.

 I know it now, though, and that makes a big difference.

 I finish making the bed with abrupt, anger-filled motions.  I donít know who Iím angry at, though.  Myself, for being naÔve for far too long.  Adam, for seducing me in the first place.  Or Brennan Mulwray, for simply existing and dulling the rest of my world by comparison.

 A good little soldier, I pull the bed covers taut.  If only I could bring order to the rest of my life so neatly.  I head towards the bathroom but something makes me step in front of the door Ė the same one Adam had exited through not too long ago.

 With my molecular abilities, doors are pretty much unnecessary.  Except as a symbol and, as a symbol, theyíre a pretty powerful one.  They can be open; they can be shut; they can make it so youíre on one side and someone else is on the other.  I know Ė Iíve always known Ė that if Adam were to come to my door and find it locked, that would be the end of it.  He is, when all is said and done, a man of some honor.

 I reach my hand out and place it in the door.  I find the surface oddly cool to the touchÖ or is it my hand itself that is so cold?  I think of the catch in Adamís voice when he tells me that I give him what he needs and I start to pull away.  Then I think of the emptiness I feel when his cock is shoved deep inside me and how, every time he pulls it out, he takes a piece of me with him.

 How many pieces can a person lose before he totally loses himself?

 Fingers trembling, I deliberately reach down and turn the button that will engage the lock.  The clicking sound as the bolt slides home is unnaturally loud in my ears and I step back quickly.  Only when no one comes pounding on the door, wanting to know what all the ruckus is about, do I remember to breathe again.

 My world has just changed and nobody noticed.  Typical.

 Thatís not quite right Ė Iíve noticed.  Gasping, I stumble back, sitting abruptly when the backs of my knees hit the mattress.  Lowering my head into my hands, I try to control myself.  This is only a small step Ė I know that.  Itís also a step Iíll have to repeat night after night, never knowing when Adam will next want entrance.  I only hope Iím strong enough to keep it locked.

 Squaring my shoulders, I get up and begin gathering my shower supplies.  Sweats. T-shirt. Courage.  That kind of stuff.  I doubt Iíll ever have the urge to sleep nude again but I guess my sheets wonít mind.

 Heading toward the bathroom, I stop as I pass the now blessedly locked door.  With tears in my eyes, I lift my fingers to my lips and kiss them.  Reverently, I touch them to the lock.  ďGoodbye, Adam,Ē I whisper.

I drop my hand and move resolutely to the bathroom to get clean.

Goodbye, Adam.  Hello, Jesse.

Itís not much, but itís a beginning.  I can live with that.


~ the end ~


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